Did Wwii

How Did A Duchess, Orchids and a Handbag Nearly Earn Me a Trip To The Tower..?

Well, here it is… as promised a week or so ago, the tale of my visit to the palace, a while ago now, which I thought at one point might turn out to be a very long stay in the ‘Tower’…

It all started normally enough… I received the invite as a guest of my long-time friend Andrew, who had just become a patron of the Prince’s Trust… and I have to admit to being rather excited at the time – however ‘She Who Must..’ was slightly nervous (as she often is when accompanying me anywhere in ‘public’… though for the life of my I can’t imagine why 

Apparently, she is a little concerned that I might embarrass her… such as the time recently that I earned an instant ‘hard glare’ by deciding to stand and sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to the lady on the next table in the middle of a rather posh, very crowded restaurant… (I really can’t see the problem, it WAS her birthday after all…;-)

Anyway, on arrival at the palace (there is another tale to tell here, but that one is so personal it is for ‘workshops only’ I’m afraid…) we were ushered to wait along with all the other guests in the palace’s rather extensive art gallery, and, as Charles and Camilla were running a ‘little’ late, we were allowed to appreciate the fabulous pieces on display (I was rather taken with a Canaletto…) for the next hour while we were plied with endless amounts of champagne (essential to clean the palate before a meal you understand 

At some point the champagne got the better of Andrew and I and the day got a lot stranger… well, who else could say that when walking into a gent’s toilet in the Queen’s house that the first thing they see is an elderly Duchess, possibly a little ‘worse for wear’, wrestling with the hand washing facilities..?  ‘Don’t worry,’ she said – ‘I shan’t be long… the soap has ejaculated all over me…’ now, it takes quite a lot to render me speechless… but that just about did the trick…

Now, as a lover of fine food, you may be expecting me to ‘wax lyrical’ about what was on the menu or the different wines on offer (and I must say, HRH does indeed do a fine spot of dinner…  ) – but I’m afraid eating in the throne room at Buckingham Palace, even with entertainment provided by Simply Red’s Mick Hucknall, was not nearly as noteworthy as what happened as the evening drew to a close and people started to disperse…

You see, at the centre-piece of each table was a truly beautiful orchid arrangement that She Who Must had taken a distinct shine to, and she inquired of one of the palace staff as to their fate … I, on the other hand, had different concerns entirely, and was enquiring instead about the direction of the nearest toilets…

It was then on emerging from the toilet that I was given She Who Must’s ludicrously large handbag to hold and then thrust into my other hand was the exquisite orchid creation that had held pride of place on the table… “Well, they were just going to throw them away..” was all I heard as ‘Her She Who Mustness’ disappeared into the door the Duchess should have picked…

So, picture if you will, a slightly bemused Tim, standing in Buckingham Palace, holding a ludicrously large handbag and what to the casual observer looked like a bunch of  ’stolen’ flowers …. ‘hanging around’ outside the toilets, looking (possibly for the first time ever) more than a little sheepish and desperately hoping nobody I knew would see me…

As fate would have it, it was at that precise moment that Lord Young, (who was at some previous point in time Secretary of State for Trade and Industry) wandered past and decided to say hello… I wanted to shake his hand, but obviously I was loaded down, and instead via a process made up of mumbles, head gestures and alternate wavings of flowers and the handbag managed to communicate my predicament …

Luckily, Lord Young took pity on the bumbling buffoon in front of him, smiled and explained that he understood and wished his wife had had the presence of mind to ‘snaffle’ some of the free flowers….

And why am I telling you all of this? (other than to raise a smile of course…;-) Well, just like my trip to the palace, your online endeavours will rarely go exactly as planned, there are always little hiccups … but more often than not, they turn out to be nowhere near as bad as you thought they might be…so, in the words of that famous WWII poster… Keep Calm And Carry On…

About the Author

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